why is it hard to ask for help?
some thoughts and hand-picked meditations to start your week off
note: if you’re on my mindful monday’s email list, i’ll be using this Laughing Flowers substack blog as my newsletter platform! i’ll send a note every monday on self-care and mindfulness, along with my meditation recordings. thanks as always for being here 💜
I’ve been thinking a lot about interdependence: this balance between being independent (self-sufficient; believing in my own abilities to do things and meet my needs) and dependence on others (asking for help; admitting when I’ve met my limits.) In Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits, Covey outlines three ways of dependence with others. See the framework below (link for hi-res):
i've realized that i'm over-independent in some situations and with certain people, and over-dependent in others. for example:
over-independent + asking for help: at work, i want to prove that i'm a top performer, i'm proactive, and i can do everything on my own. except that i can’t! i’ve definitely had times when i needed support, but it was really difficult for me to admit this. asking for help, and recognizing that people want to help, is something i know leads to better results, and better work relationships.
over-dependent + self-worth: i've fallen prey to doing things to seek approval, effectively relying on someone else's emotional response to feel good about myself. an example: scrambling to complete yet another "urgent" last-minute request to make my manager (and their manager) happy, even though I'm feeling stressed and tired. i don't check in with myself, or clearly set boundaries about the kind of tasks I'm willing to complete.
🤨 what’s going on?
at first it might seem like simply a big ego, or caring too much about what others think, but i think it’s deeper than that: at the core of both tendencies is a belief that i’m not worthy just as i am.
i am scared that if i ask for help, others will think that i'm not capable - i'll think i'm not capable - and if i rest my own self-worth on my ability to perform independently at work, well... asking for help suddenly makes me not worthy.
when i blindly complete tasks, just to avoid my manager's disapproval and disappointment, i’m denying my own needs - and building resentment for my manager. i link my manager's emotions and approval of me to my own acceptance of myself! "if she doesn't approve of me, then i can't approve of me" is effectively the message i'm telling myself.
these 2 methods not only keep myself from getting in touch with what i really want and need, but it also keeps me from connecting to the other person. i see other people as people who either aren’t to be trusted, or who are givers of approval - it prevents me from seeing others as friendly collaborators.
➡️ the shift to self-compassion and interdependence
recently, after recognizing my tendencies and making self-compassion a regular practice, i've begun to lean into interdependence: feeling strong in my own capabilities and my own worth, while recognizing my limits and asking for help.
in my partnership, this has meant both that i’m asking for help more (“I’m feeling really tired and stressed about this thing… can you help me with it?”) and also moving from feeling guilty about him helping me to feeling grateful. Instead of “sorry you have to do this” i’m finding myself saying, “I’m so grateful to have your help!”
it feels so much nicer to live and love from a place of gratitude rather than guilt, from sharing vulnerabilities (“I can’t do it, I need help”) rather than acting tough and then burning out. it brings us closer together, and we really feel like a team.
finally, i’ve found myself stepping up in places where i was more dependent before. when i see that my partner is feeling tired, i say, “hey, let me help. i’ve got the energy to do that task” and i want to help - not because i feel like i have to, but because i realize that collaboration is essential for us to achieve our goals.
🤔 things to think about:
do you tend to lean towards independence or dependence?
what do you think is underlying this tendency for you? are there beliefs you’re telling yourself that may be feeding these?
what does it feel like when you actually ask for help, or when you find power in your own capabilities?
🧘🏽♀️ guided practice:
Here are some meditations that may help you find more center and compassion for self and others, no matter which way you lean:
loving-kindness (25 min): practice relaxing our bodies, and providing love to ourselves and others.
your best self (25 min): set intentions for how you want to go about your day. a reminder that you have the power to be intentional, and whatever happens you can remain centered.
thanks for reading! and if you want to share, i'd love to hear your thoughts about this topic.
have a wonderful week my friend,
kat
p.s. i visited the awe-inspiring Elephant Nature Park last week. Amazing to observe these beautiful animals play and eat and be happy. Most of them were saved from tourist or logging conditions. The park has evolved to being more observational rather than hands-on (no riding, walking, bathing, or anything the elephants wouldn’t choose to do on their own), which makes me very happy for the elephants.
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